I Got the VD! Tuesday, Feb 14 2006 

And it’s Valentine’s Day yet again. Oh my gosh, I’m just, just so excited, really now, I can’t even bare to hide it. I shit you not. Okay, honestly, when I woke up this morning I had dinner plans to look forward to. Not with an actual date mind you, I had dinner plans with my best friend, Debi. After all, both single ladies with no chance of even last minute plans are also entitled to a little fun. When I arrived at work, Debi came strolling up to me and said “You’re going to be so mad at me”. She cancelled our plans. Instead, we were going up to a tattoo shop for a brief consultation; Debi is adding color to her currently black & grey chest piece. Afterwards, she realized she was hungry and we went out to dinner after all. The holiday barely even made a blip on my “Amazingly Horrendous/Awesome Holiday Scale”. Really, it was just that boring.

I suppose this holiday (if you can even call it that) is really only meant for couples. It’s meant to shun us single folk. Good, remind me that I’m alone. I won’t forget next time to remind that you’re an idiot for sleeping with that ugly motherfucker.

Nooo, I’m not bitter at all. As much fun as it is to spend copious amounts of time with my friends, I must say, the highlight of my day has been right now, watching David Cross hanging out on the Colbert Report. Seriously, it’s made my night. And with that, I pledge my undying love to David Cross and urge every one of you out there tonight who are emotionally alone to just say no to love. It only makes you get fat.

Just Another Night at the Diner & Corinne Bailey Rae Wednesday, Feb 8 2006 

This fine evening, my best comrade and I decided that of course there was nothing else we could do on a Tuesday night other than go to a diner. It’s always such a difficult decision. Really though, to comprehend what kind of small town I reside in, you must understand our food joints. We have quite a few, and these quite a few always seem to close early. Thus leaving a diner, Taco Bell, and Wendy’s. This is the usual nightly decision. Rather than getting all plump and fat on deliciously sinful Wendy’s or Taco Bell, we lifted the 6 month hiatus on diner visits (the last included a mass amount of Exorcist vomit – it was just one of those kind of nights you have when you’re 20, I suppose) and went to the ol’ hot spot.

Everything was relatively quiet for the first 10 minutes or so, that is, until two platinum bombshells (and I use that term loosely) “like hi my name is Elaine and my favorite color is clear, he he he …” girls walked in, swinging happily & drunkenly from this tiny plump fellow’s arm. My comrade and I snickered lightly as they took the table behind us as we continued to consumer our wonderful plate of pancakes. Eventually, one of the blondes got a little excited when the waitress told her the bar was making last call. Her voice raised a full 3 octaves “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S LAST CALL???” Cut to my comrade and I snickering a little more obnoxiously this time around.

Once the waitress left, Drunky-McDrunk-Drunk started to simma’ down a bit, at least she got a bit quieter in her nonsensical ramble, and began to have the ever so typical “Oh guys, I love you guys … Man, I love you, you guys are my best frienddssssssspfff”. And then she started to ramble. And ramble and ramble some more. Eventually it got to the point where my comrade and I were downright splitting at the seams with laughter and still, the drunkards noticed NOTHING. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING! Oh and was it wonderful!

As we got up to pay our check, Miss Drunk-Too-Much asked to shake my hand and then proceeded to ask my comrade if she had ever had a boyfriend. My comrade flushed red in her cheeks and quietly said “Noooo, boys are gross, I like girls. I’ve had girlfriends”. Then miss Drunkie-Drunk decided to start hitting on her. And what did we do? Laugh the entire way to the counter to pay our bill.

It makes for quite a night, I can tell you that. I’m glad that the end of the 6 month Diner Hiatus ended with a gleeful night spent happily sipping coffee in the stinky little diner. Hooray.

Now, listen to Like A Star & Enchantment by the amazingly talented and beautiful Corinne Bailey Rae. (courtesy of aurgasm)